Sunday, February 15, 2009

a brothers love

my meh day came tumbling out.

who says we should "move on" and get over loss? i have never really dealt with this concept and every now and then it still comes tumbling out. my meh mood. absolutely can't stop it. and i'm not gonna either!! i'm feeling fragile this week because it's the 7th - hmm or 8th (time... years... days... who cares) anniversary this weekend of when my twin bro Wade "left us". well - he didn't leave us quite so gracefully because he fell 60m down a cliff face.

he was meant to be out rockclimbing and had gone early to set up base camp. it was a friday nite and i was off to watch the Crows at AAMI Stadium (as you do). i said in passing that nite to my (now ex-) husband "there's something just not right about tonight".

little did i know at that stage just how wrong it all was.

some people have said over time "well at least he was doing what he loved"... "don't dwell on anniversaries"... "move on and get over it"... but seriously... AND SERIOUSLY i'll never utter those words to another human!! ever.

i have a family who love to pick "special dates". and so now both my niece and my nephew have this date (or a day or so before) as their wedding anniversary. how on earth CAN I FORGET THE DATE????? ack

but it's not their fault. my new best dress is hanging in the wardrobe to make the nephew proud on the weekend. my head is up. i just know for years to come rather than feel happy and celebrate like they wanted us too - to forget the date - i never will. sorry.

here's my meh tumble:

a brothers love

sharing secrets, adventures, water bombs, in the park, laughs, cross words and giggles. brothers are there. i remember so many special times with my brother.

he just happened to be my twin... so we were even closer than many.

sleeping outside under the stars in the "pup tent" when it was hot to chasing and racing each other on our bikes. on holidays away in the january school holidays we would disappear from mum and dad for hours. hours and hours of fun. doing crazy stuff, making other friends and just hanging out.

he was my protector, my rock.

he was smart, funny, good looking and one hundred percent completely arrogant some days. he had the capacity to frustrate the living hell out of me, like no other could. and yet - how could you be cross when he would flash his smile and off we would go laughing again...

he was always there.

and then he was gone. in an instant.

with no goodbye. just memories. 35 years of them. oh the memories are good but they will never replace or compensate. ever. but at least they are there.

then i look at my daughter. who has a brother.

sure he's a step brother but the ties are still there. who says you're not a real brother when you have a different mum?

ahhhh but she doesn't see him. at all.

adult custody complexities. she is missing out on making the memories. the childhood fun and bonding. the sense of being there for each other. because he's not there. and he could be. so easily. two adults just talk to each other, get over it and let it be. for the kids sake. unlike my brother who can never come back, my daughters brother can.

youth does not understand the length of life, and time. patience isn't in the equation. years are long. i know for sure she will one day again meet him, share stories and laugh. but this isn't compensation for now.

and what if his life too is cut short. what then?


Ro said...

now I'm in

On a limb with Claudia said...

((hug)) I can't imagine this kind of loss. How does one continue on when the person she started life with is already gone?

Knowing this about you only makes me appreciate you more.

Anonymous said...

Grief and grieving is unique to everyone.

When my father died, our relationship had been so badly damaged I was unable to deliver a eulogy. It took me six years to reach the point where I could write one.

Don't worry about being apart or life being cut short. Concentrate on what you can change and let go of the things you cannot change.

Anonymous said...

To suggest you should "move on" would need you to forget, and how - or why - would you do that. To say he "left us" is also wrong, because he is so clearly and evidently with you now, in your heart and memory, and will stay with you until your memory gives out. So it should be, and worth a few tears once a year.

Hugs babe.

Charlie said...

thanks everyone for the love. means a lot. i'll be OK again by tomorrow. and you're right spot - a meh once a year ain't all that bad - he's worth every single second of the day xxxx

Gordie said...

Marvellous memories. You still love him, and you always will. x

Charlie said...

i always will. forever.

JimBob51 said...

The words "move on" - what do they mean. A love lost indeed can never be replaced and it should never die. It should simply reside in that place where no one else can go - coz' we were not there and can only begin to imagine and try to understand. To overcome your "meh" is something that equally we cannot do - but as your friends we can be there to smile, comfort, support and wait quietly as you make your way past "meh" and carry the power of that love to a better place. A hug is all we have to offer and to know we respect your right to that "meh" day

Kiersha Lou said...

I am so sorry for your loss. :[
It is too tragic to have anyone go through. your in my prayers<3

Carlos said...

Thank you for sharing these moments and feelings... Nobody can tell you what to do with your own feelings - they are yours to keep - but the moments (good and bad ones) are better 'dealt with' when they are shared... So in that sense I'm honoured and very happy to hear Wade is still with us all - thanks to you :)
Hope you manage to get to some good resolution with Amber's dad so she can see Ben soon! My fingers are tightly crossed...

Charlie said...

hey thanks again.

re Ben and Amber's dad - unfortunately even he (her dad) doesn't have access to Ben. This is the same woman that denied ME access to Amber when she was with him (Amber's dad)... so screws loose and issues spring to mind when i think of her.

This is so so unfortunate for Amber - but like I already know - kids go searching.

And they find. And they share.

So, i really don't understand why adults do this stuff to kids? It really doesn't hold them in good stead at the end of the day. Kids see through it.

But perhaps I don't understand all the issues? It could be. Quite possible. Who knows really at the end of the day? HOWEVER... I just see my kid wants to see her brother - and there are 2 adults standing in the way of that. And that's CRAP. And I can't do anything about it. And that's CRAPPIER.