Saturday, October 31, 2009

Day Two Hundred & Ninety One / 3

full moon. no wonder. what a crazee week.

to start my cousin died. poor thing. he had suffered from cancer for years. i wont write everything here but i just feel exceptionally sad. so sad. and whilst it's a horrible thing to die of and no-one should suffer from it, in a way i'm glad he's out of the pain and misery, but he was young. too young. only a few years older than me (please just accept this is too young for my benefit).

i say it's too young because of my auntie. same as my mum in my brothers scenario. loosing a child before you die yourself (as the mother) must be the hardest emotion in the world to suffer and i know my mum did. we had years of depression - still do with her. and here is my auntie who has now lost three men in her life. her husband, her youngest son and now her eldest. her daughter survives.

it's just too tragic. horrible.

i didnt go to the funeral. i'd had a big emotional week myself in my personal relationship and I wouldnt have been able to leave town for the six hour journey until after 10pm at night,for the funeral in the morning another hour away, for me to have to drive straight back. mum said no. i was probably relieved in a way - but also upset i couldnt be there.

its true i didnt know alan well (my cousin). we knew each other as kids and i have such fond memories of that. he went off to live in sydney and do the whole british airlines hostess with the mostess gig and being a HUGE (secret from the family) gay bloke was obviously enjoying himself immensely. id say he had a fabulous life really if i knew completely but even if he didn't - i'll remember him as the big friendly, always laughing, fun with the kids, "cous al".

so, that was mid week. by the end of the week my relationship with ray was on the rocks because he loves me. he has "stuff" to sort out and i have to be patient whilst he goes away and does his "stuff". well OK. i will. because i love him and i believe we should be together. that said it doesnt make it easy AT ALL.. quite frankly i like a simple, pleasant, happy life. this complicates things and i get stressed / got stressed.

so here i am out. with bruce who will always be there for me, unconditionally. he's my best friend, brother, dad, protector and a right pain in the arse when he gets too loud but he can put a smile on my face, even if for a short amount of time.

so, i needed him. xc

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